news, fool!
for 2002
By Jason Ryan

DECEMBER 31st, 2002

I think the hot lady with the kid that lives above us got a visit from the big-boobie fairy while I was at my mom's house recovering.  I've got to find out for sure.  Maybe I'll ask her outright.  Or maybe I'll just dig through her trash.  I'll keep you updated on this story as the news breaks.

In related news, I'm going to see the Go-go's tonight at the block party on Mill.  Strawberry-Rhubarb pie=Good eatin'!

DECEMBER 25th, 2002

My humble Christmas gift to you is new info on the Skate Park formerly known as Celestial on the Arizona Bike Friendly Parks List in The Veritable Cornucopia.

Also, this was posted in the dicsuccin' board by Eric Vantime:  

There is a contest Saturday, Jan. 4 at "Skatecity" the one and only indoor park in Las Vegas. There is going to be a Pro Class, a 13 and over am and 12 and under am with money for pros and bike shit for ams. If you aren't into the whole contest thing, you should still go to Vegas this winter break because there's a whole lotta parks, street, ditches, pools, and a even some trails. -The Sossaman ditches on the eastside of town have become a bust lately since lots of people ride there and cops are patrolling that area daily.

DECEMBER 17th, 2002

NEW INFO ON CELESTIAL! CHECK THIS E-MAIL I GOT FROM MASTER WILLIAM BISSELL!

Jason

Celestial is now Tucson Jesus Skatepark or something like that.  

It is open Thursday - Sunday with free session if you go to 

church on Sunday.  All sessions are mixed but bikes show up the

 most.  I don't have a phone number. 

Sessions are longer and cheaper.  Oh well that is all I know. 

 Street course is the same and the mini is partly took down.  

Usually there is no music because they fucked up the PA.  I 

can't ride without music so I hate it.  That is Tucson.

Will

DECEMBER 16th, 2002

MB's blowin' up in '03!  Some shit's gettin' planned out, and it involves contests, protests, sponsors, bands, or maybe just a keen mixture with equal parts of all four.  The first event will happen in the middle of January at an undisclosed location.  I may release a few more details, but I will still be purposely vague.  If you want the DL on the real dilly-o, e-mail me at beardedlady@psychicflyingmonkey.com and I'll tell all the real riders what this shit's about.

Check out http://www.accessbmx.com  They are on a mission to get bikes allowed into public skateparks all across this nation, and their website is dedicated to that very purpose.  They are selling a video presumably filmed largely on location in the public concrete skateparks of California, Arizona, and Las Vegas with Taj, Brian Castillo, Dave Osato, Gary Young, and Van Homan to raise money to fund their efforts.  Buy one.  No, buy four.

DECEMBER 13th, 2002

The meeting with Mesa Parks and Rec last night went excellently.  At first it didn't look so good when Tim Barnard started out by saying that this meeting was not about getting bikes into Reed Park and he said bikes would never be allowed in Reed Park.  The riders countered by pointing out the multitudes of routes that Mesa could take so that bikes could ride Reed Park, such as design re-certification, design rehabilitation and modification, separated days or times for bikes to ride, etc...  Tim and his staff seemed to empathize with us and seemed to see where we were coming from.  He said that he would help us with the process of taking the steps necessary to get the rules changed, which mostly include approaching the lawyers in risk management and convincing them that bikes in Reed can be done.  Tim and his staff asked for all riders interested in being on a working committee to help Parks and Rec accomplish these goals to highlight their names on the sign-in sheet.  The committee will meet regularly, probably every month, starting in January.  When the committee (which I also signed up to be on)  meets we will work towards meeting these goals.  We will also work on making sure that either a concrete bikepark is built or the next concrete parks built will allow bikes.  Then when the time comes that a big public meeting is needed for input from the BMX community and the rest of the community, myself and others will get the word out everywhere.  About 80 riders and supporters showed up last night, which is pretty good and showed a good amount of interest.  About 30 or so of those were from Mesa.  Unfortunately, I estimate that over 400 riders knew about the meeting and the majority didn't go.  Approximately 350 of those signed a Concrete Bikepark Alliance contact sheet saying they would go to meetings with cities about this issue.  If you didn't show up and you didn't have rock solid plans before you found out about it, you don't deserve access to a skatepark.  What was really pathetic was hardly anyone showed up from the west side.  So many riders just can't get it through their thick skulls that we have to start somewhere.  If one city lets us in, more will follow suit.  So what if Mesa is an hour drive away?  If going to a meeting in Mesa will help get bikes allowed in Encanto Park, it's worth it.  Riders in the west side need to stop being such lazy assholes.

DECEMBER 10th, 2002

MESA PARKS AND REC MEETING WILL BE HELD ON THURSDAY, DECEMBER 12th, AT LONGFELLOW ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA AT 6 PM.  DIRECTIONS ARE:  HEAD EAST ON BROADWAY PAST REED PARK (which is located on Broadway between Gilbert Rd. and Stapley Rd.) TAKE FIRST LEFT PAST REED PARK, WHICH IS HALL.  THE SCHOOL WILL BE ON YOUR IMMEDIATE RIGHT ON HALL, JUST NORTH OF BROADWAY.  THE SCHOOL'S ADDRESS IS 345 S. HALL.  IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS CONCERNING THE MEETING, YOU CAN CALL TIM BARNARD OF MESA PARKS AND REC AT 480-644-3304.

I apologize for getting this news out so late.  I just found out the date of this meeting myself today.  There was a big breakdown in communication between Rex Golos and myself, so I was never informed of this meeting date until just now.  Rex had been in contact with Tim Barnard of Mesa Parks and Rec, who was the person organizing this meeting.  I also found out today from Rex that this meeting date had been set for a good six weeks, so it turns out that Mr. Barnard was not blowing us off after all.  SHOW UP, BRING YOUR  PARENTS, FRIENDS, INBRED COUSINS AND SISTERS (for me) AND ANYONE ELSE WHO SUPPORTS POSITIVE ACTIVITIES FOR YOUTH AND LET'S MAKE IT CLEAR THAT THERE IS A DEMAND FOR A PLACE TO LEGALLY RIDE BMX FREESTYLE IN THE CITY OF MESA!!!

DECEMBER 5th, 2002

Looking forward to getting my walking cast next Tuesday.  I can finally be a real person again.  Well, kinda.  I still won't be able to ride for a while.

Jose and I discovered that EXPN.com had tried to do a "Recent history of the Moto X Backflip" without him a few months back.  We straightened those cheeky bastards out, though.  Check this out-- http://expn.go.com/xgames/sxg/viii/s/020815_backflip.html   Jose starts that shit off now!  Speaking of Jose, I was surfing around with my dick in my hand (not much else to do when you've got a broken leg) and I happened upon this-- http://users.pandora.be/jjrbmx/HUTCHarticles.html  No giant jugs here, but a good story and pics of Jose's first backflip at a show covered by BMX Plus!  DAMN!  I really AM turning into an ultranerd!  Broke leg BEGONE!!!

If you want to ever see your precious RAD again, I recommend you go to http://www.petitiononline.com/RAD/petition.html   These guys are petitioning the production company that made the movie RAD to release it on DVD, and they need your help to show how much interest there is.  The movie is out of print now, that's why you gotsta pay 40 bones for a decent copy on e-bay.  I bought that movie in 1990 at a Sam Goody in Fiesta Mall for $10.  Then someone lost it for me.  I think it was Jose.  Jose wanted to rent a copy a couple years ago, and we had to call 13 video stores before we found one that had it.  He rented that sum' bitch and then told them he lost it a few days later.  They only charged him $10 on his credit card.  Then he lost it.  The video store down the street from me wants $200 for one of their copies of RAD.  Do you ever look in the toilet after you take a shit?  Yeah, me neither.  You go now!  You been here 4 hour!

NOVEMBER 28th, 2002

As you may have already noticed, I have updated the discussion board with a snazzy new gif and a fresh start with a new and appropriate insult for all who pass that way.  The old stuff is archived conveniently on another page which can be reached through a link posted above the dicsuccin' board.  Many thanks to OGMB SWELLocoN for catching the error in the discussion board that was messing all my shit up.  And thanks to MB Ben for being gay.

In other news, I'm going to continue this "fresh new look" thang on the home page and other pages.  In the words of Ronny James Dio, "LOOK OUT!"

NOVEMBER 16th, 2002

I updated the links area.  A few sites were dead, and I had to clean them out.  I added a new link, and a new logo for sandiegobmx.com, too.

NOVEMBER 13th, 2002

I talked to Ross Cole, former owner of Celestial Skatepark yesterday, and he informed me that he was sitting on a cubic shitload of bike parts from Celestial's pro shop.  He told me he will be selling everything FOR COST!!!  For example, tubes will only be 75 cents each.  You can imagine how cheap you can get a frame from him.  Pretty much you'll be paying close to one half the price you can get stuff from a regular bike shop.  I remember when Wild World bike shop in Springerville, AZ went out of business.  It was the only bike shop in town, so I stocked up, yo!  I think I bought two of every color of Oddysey Slick Cable that was available, and they had a lot of colors back then. Pink, blue, green, red, translucent green, translucent blue, etc......   I bought a grip of other stuff, too.  Ross comes up to Phoenix often to skate the public parks, so he can rendezvous with any riders to make a sale if you give him a call to pre-arrange it.  Call Ross on his cell phone at 520-991-3745.

NOVEMBER 11th, 2002

Water, water, everywhere, and nary a drop to drink

Water, water everywhere, and alas, Celestial's ship did sink.

Celestial Skatepark will NOT be having a contest this weekend on the 16th as I earlier reported.  In fact, it will never hold any contests forevermore.  It has closed down.  The concrete YMCA skatepark and the new public, concrete skatepark at Rita Ranch have killed it.  Yet another good AZ park fallen because  a good portion of its customers (skaters and rollerbladers) go to the free or extremely cheap parks funded by public monies.  Same thing happened to the legendary Planet Plywood in Las Vegas.  Except those public parks up there allow bikes.  As you can imagine, Salty Will Bissell  has gotten exponentially saltier over this aggregious turn of events.

In Mesa news,  Tim Bernard of  Mesa Parks and Rec department still has not given us a date for a meeting concerning the possibility of bikes getting allowed in Reed Park or/and Mesa building a concrete BMX park.  Is he dragging his feet?  You decide.  At first he told Rex of the CBA that he would try for a meeting in mid-October, then changed it to late October, then changed it to mid-November.  And still no finalized date is set.  The Mesa police, park rangers and judges tell us to talk to city officials, and this is the kind of bullshit we have to put up with!

NOVEMBER 8th, 2002

Emergency Medical Technician- Where does it hurt?
Me- My Leg!!!
 

Well, I've been forced to peace out of riding whilst I heal for the next few weeks. I've also been forced to peace out of working, making sweet love down by the fire, and generally getting shit done. Here's the lowdown: I broke my leg. With my ass.  In the Fort McDowell contest. In my second run. I broke the tibia and fibia in my left leg not too far from the ankle by looping out on a 360 over the 6' spine and promptly slamming my bunghole down onto my lower extremity.  I had surgery to have a plate put in to hold the bones together, and I have a temporary splint/cast thing on right now. I'll be getting my permannent cast next Tuesday. The doc says it can't bear any weight for six weeks. I'm chillin at the mom's howse right now, but I just got front page hooked up on this mofo so's I'll be updating this bitch quite regularly for a while.

MB Bret wants to build a 6' mini at his workplace and needs help.  He's got most of the money for wood and a good wood hookup (as he should, he works at a goddamn hardware store).  Someone help his bitch ass out.  Lord knows I can't.  I'll just supervise.  I'd better see only assholes and elbows constructing that shit or you'll be taking a bigass crutch to the spine.  That's right.

OCTOBER 22nd, 2002

New information on the Fort McDowell contest has come to light.  The contest will be held on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd.  If you just want to ride and not compete, the cost is 10 dollars a day.  On Friday, from 10 AM to dark there will be sign-ups and practice.  On Saturday, from 10 AM to noon is practice.  Beginner comp starts at noon, intermediate at 2 PM, and expert at 3:30 PM.  On Sunday is the pro contest.  All the classes will have separate events for dirt and ramp/street.  The cost is 30 dollars for the lower classes and Jack wants to charge 100 dollars for pro.  Personally, I feel 100 dollars for a local contest with pro payout only from entry fees is steeper than Robert Blake's bail bond.  If you are entering pro and your parents never set you up with a trust fund, and you feel the same way I do, be sure to tell Jack just like I did.  He says he's down to go with the entry fee amount that the majority of pros are willing to pay.  For more info, call Jack at 602-487-6872 and tell him a broke-ass video producer sent you. 

OCTOBER 21st, 2002

The Gilbert skatepark protest did indeed go down on the 19th.  Much to my shagrin, the Gilbert police chief decided that the most important public safety issue in Gilbert on that day was keeping wicked BMX riders out of the Freestone Skatepark.  Look for a full story with pictures on here in the next couple of days in the Veritable Cornucopia section.  Can you say smoke bombs, bean bag guns, gas masks, and economy-sized cans of mace?  So can the 10 policemen that showed up to the protest that day.

In related news, the greatest minds in the Arizona BMX universe have convened and they have an earth-shattering baby-screaming  mandate that I carry on the wings of a terrible, scaly, napalm breathing dragon to you today.  No,  Jack from the Fort doesn't have to get a crew cut, and no,  The Gonz does not have to get a real job.  THIS is the official decree:

"Starting next Saturday, bike riders are encouraged to show up to Reed Skatepark in Mesa on Broadway between Stapley and Gilbert Roads to protest the 'no bikes in the skatepark rule' and to ride the park.  We intend to protest each and every Saturday until Mesa recognizes the egregious discrimination they regularly exercise against the BMX community.  Thank you for your support.  Don't you love this color of green?"

Sounds like a hell of a plan to me.  Obviously not everyone will be able to make it there every Saturday,  but try to make it there as many Saturdays as you can.   And I do so love that color of green.

OCTOBER 16th, 2002

One Brandon Klar just  posted this on the discussion board.  Represent, Represent!!!

I have once again been informed by my agents in the Department of BMX Affairs that a protest is in the works. It has been said that this new wave of BMX protests is the next step in an Al Qaeda plan to ruin U.S. skateboarder's way of life.

The details of the protest as I know them are as follows.

1. The protest will be located at Gilbert's camera ridden "Freestone Skatepark/skate fortress"

2. The protest will take place at 2:00 P.M. on Saturday, October 19th.

3. You need to show up.

4. You need to bring more people than just yourself, or you need to have twice as many people as that show up if you aren't going to be there.

5. Bring your bike. Ride the skatepark when you show up.

6. Just because the police don't come right away, don't be a pussy and shade out. Stay and ride until they come. That is the point. It's a protest.

7. We may be meeting at an Albertson's first, but the details of that are shady at this point. When I get an update you will get an update.

That is all for now.

True dat, nizel.  We gots yo back.  If any riders out there can't show up to this shit, they're lower than sweat droplets on a pig's ball sack.  For real for real.

OCTOBER 2nd, 2002

Latest news on local contests:

The Fort McDowell contest will be held on November 1st, 2nd, and 3rd (Fri., Sat., and Sun.) at, where else?  The Fort.

The Celestial 3rd Annual Domination Contest will be held at Celestial Skatepark in Tucson on Nov. 16th starting at 11 AM. 

SEPTEMBER 26th, 2002

We will be lake jumping on Sunday, September 29th at Bartlett lake on Bartlett Flats.  Go to the Yellow Cliffs, then follow the shoreline all the way until you can't go anymore.  We'll be there.  You can't miss Jose's orange hair.  I'll be boning out early, though, because Dread Zeppelin will be performing at Anderson's 5th Estate in Scottsdale that night.  Believes it.

Revolution Skatepark is selling their ramps.  If you want to make them an offer they can't refuse, call them at 480-784-5904 and leave a message.  I get the feeling you can get them pretty damn cheap because they aren't going to want to pay for storage on them sum' bitches for too long.

I put a Mesa Park protest report under "The Veritable Cornucopia" link.  It has plenty of good video captures in it, and in the next couple of days I'll upload a few video clips you can check out, too.

I just put a clip from Jose's section under the VIDEO! link.  Jose can sure backflip himself a motorbike you betcha! But you know what else he's really good at? He can stain the hell out of some carpet, too!!! Why, within two months of originally moving into my apartment, he had single-handedly, using only Tropical Punch Kool-Aid and barbeque sauce, annihilated my hopes of ever getting my security deposit back when I moved out! Skills, yo!!! I've an idea! Why don't I give an update, and maybe even a pic every time Jose makes an oops on the carpet that there will never be any chance of getting out, not even if the Carpet Cleaning Cult blasts it with Ultra Spot Blaster Enzymes and boiling water! Look for Jose's Blemish Biography in the news, fool! section from now on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Peace and KEEP RIDING!  Late.

SEPTEMBER 18th, 2002

Mesa John has officially told me that the Mesa riders are staging a protest at Reed Park on this Saturday, September 21st, at 2 PM.  This one is going down for sure.  Reed Park is on Broadway between Stapley and Gilbert Roads.  They want to get as much support as possible out there, so if you ride, and you live in the Valley, and you're tired of all the bullshit these cities keep feeding us, show your ass up to ride and wave the shit out of a sign and REPRESENT!!!

In related news, Tamara Dietrich's column in today's Tribune was very supportive of our cause and pretty much told the cities what's up.  I want to thank Tamara, Jason Emerson, and ABC News 15 for the helpful exposure they've given to our fight with the Valley cities.
 

SEPTEMBER 17th, 2002

If you didn't catch the news story last night, it was pretty good.  Of course Jason Emerson's Tribune story was much more in depth and therefore better viewing.  A different reporter, Tamara Dietrich, called me today for another interview.  She's doing a follow-up on today's story which, I believe, will be in tomorrow's paper.  Check it out.

SEPTEMBER 16th, 2002

WATCH ABC NEWS CHANNEL 15 TONIGHT AT 10:00!!!   I was just interviewed today (Monday) by News 15 about the problem of public skateparks not allowing bikes. Check it out tonight on the idiot box at 10 in the PM. Also, a reporter from the Tribune was there, so look for his article about the same subject in tomorrow's Scottsdale Tribune.  The crazy thing is, we didn't contact them, they contacted us.  The reporters caught onto this story when they starting interviewing BMXer's about a new BMX track that might be starting in East Mesa.  They talked to Matt Long at Adventure Bicycle and he gave them Rex Golos's and my phone #'s, and the interviews were set up from there.

In news of places we CAN ride, the Taz Tour is coming starting Wednesday the 18th and going thru Friday the 20th.  They've got a pretty good setup with a vert ramp and a street course.  Here is the info from their site, http://www.taztour.com :

Athletes scheduled to appear in Phoenix are John Parker, Jason Davies, Richie Lopez, Renton Millar and Shane Yost. Check out their bios in our athlete section to see their latest rankings and interesting personal facts.

Come on out to Wal-Mart to compete in street and vert competitions -- it’s a chance for you to show your stuff in front of your friends, family, and of course, the pros!

Don’t forget to download the required waiver form and bring your own protective gear (helmet, wrist pads and knee pads) if you plan to participate in any of the sessions.

Schedule
We’ll be at the Tempe Wal-Mart, located at 1380 West Elliott Road (click here for directions). We’ll be there September 18, 19 and 20 from 12:00 - 7:00 p.m. and our daily schedule is as follows:

SEPTEMBER 7th, 2002

It is indeed official--Revolution Skatepark closed it's doors for good on Monday.  While it is a shame and a loss, I can't help but think that if they had let bikes in during all hours instead of confining us to 2 hours a day, our business would have enabled them to stay afloat.

The very next day, Jose was driving in the area of  Broadway and Extension and decided to check on East Valley Skatepark to see what the dilly.  He was shocked and horrified to lay his eyes upon a big-ass pile of wood outside the back bay door which had formerly been well-built ramps.  The ramps were being BULLDOZED and dumped out the back like so much garbage.  We thought this park would eventually open, even though it was taking forever, but alas, it was not meant to be.  Too bad no effort was made by the investors to at least salvage the ramps.  You may have thought there was no worse news than Revolution closing, but here it is--East Valley Skatepark is no more.

Lake jumping went very well last Sunday.  After a whole summer of jumping at Bartlett Lake, we finally found the perfect spot way in the back on Bartlett Flats-- an actual beach with sand.  The water was the right depth:  not too shallow and not to deep to be losing bikes.  Jose and Dallis were working on front flips and Jose got one around good enough where he could have landed it on a real jump!  I myself was feeling comfortable with my variations and with trying new stuff, too.  Plenty of people were camping and partying and they quite enjoyed the show and even joined in.   We even had a superfan kissing on us and shaking her shapely ass all over the place--check my next video for the footy.  Then, when things couldn't get any better, they took a swan dive for the worse.  Jose dislocated his shoulder worse than ever before doing a superman seatgrab that he couldn't pull back.  He tried to get the shoulder back in, then I tried to help him, then Dallis tried to help.  We ended up with a very large EMT woman and myself yanking the hell out of his arm whilst three dudes held Jose.  It was a tug-of-war with a very human element.  Jose and the rest of us finally gave up and Dallis took him to the ER where they re-installed the shoulder.  This would be Jose's first trip to a hospital since 1988 in the year of our Lord, when he did a neck plant  into concrete in a circus show on a 360 drifted too much to land with both wheels on his wooden landing ramp.  Jose would like to give a prop to superfan Chare for making his injury feel a little better.

AUGUST 29th, 2002

Notice the lake jumping day has changed.  We'll be lake jumping on Sunday and maybe even camping out and jumping Monday (Labor Day) too.  The spot is a pretty big party spot, and since it's a holiday weekend, I have done some calculations and determined that there is a very distinct possibility you will see some boobies.  In real life!  For reals!  And not those crazy plastic ones in Playboy, but soft, real girl boobies.  Seriously.

AUGUST 26th, 2002

This upcoming Sunday, September 1st, we will be lake jumping at Bartlett Lake.  We'll have the big ramp for Jose and his motorcycle, and a smaller one for bikes.  Come on out, it'll be lots of Labor Day weekend fun.  Maybe you'll even see some boobies.

I was just informed by one of the Mesa locals that they will be protesting bikes not being allowed in Reed Park on the evening of  Tuesday, September 10th.  Show up and bring a nice big-ass  protest sign.  They're even trying to get the TV news out there!.  Similar protests have gone off in the Alameda Skatepark in the San Francisco area, and I hear it's brought a lot of attention to our plight.

This is your Official Valley Concrete Park BUST-O-METER.

I intend to provide updates on the riding situation at all of the Phoenix area parks.  I will keep the BUST-O-METER here under August 26th and pile news on top of it.  I will keep updating it here as info comes in.  Let's start with the park most likely to play host to people that wake up scratching their asses in a mobile home.  You guessed it....

APACHE JUNCTION---You can ride there in the morning, and early afternoon, but at 3 PM an AJ cop shows up and "monitors" until the park closes at around 10 PM.  I guess monitoring consists of  looking at Crutchfield stereo magazines and looking out for evil BMX riders, because that's precisely what the fool in the uniform was doing when I checked the scene.  Not only that, but according to AJ locals, the other part of the time that the park is open, the cops swing by every 5 minutes.  ALSO, since school's back in, and a high school is right next to the park, the skaters check their boards in with park staff before school and then a staffmember brings the boards out so they can skate during lunch.  He'll kick you out, too.  There are some killer ditches to shred in AJ though, so if you get the boot, don't sweat it, brah!

GILBERT---The Mormons decided in a special temple ceremony that video cameras needed to be installed  to catch illegal activities in the park.  I don't think anyone actually monitors the cameras, according to inside sources they just record evidence for use in court and whatnot.  Reportedly, these cams take pictures every few seconds or so.  But I don't think they're on after the park closes, whilst the exceedingly bright lights from the neighboring softball field usually are.  There is a park ranger that patrols on a quad but it is noisy so you can get out before he shows up.  It is also slow so you can outrun his stank ass without much problem.  If you're unlucky enough for a cop to catch you riding, be aware they've chased riders into the neighborhood and caught them, so be quick or have a silver tongue. 

MESA---Ghetto ass Reed Park comes with a grip of wanna-be cops in park ranger uniforms.  Now they're on mountain bikes with travel bags on the back.  The rangers wear tan shirts and mountain bike helmets.  They also take it in the pooper on a regular basis so watch your ass.  Really, literally, watch your ass.  They actually do sting-style ambushes, so if anybody yells out that a park ranger is coming, haul ass out of the whole park and don't look back.  Reportedly they can't chase you further than the park borders.  They actually hide behind trees waiting for bike riders to show up and at night you'll have a big disadvantage because they can sneak up on you better.  I'll bet those cocksuckers have even spent our tax dollars on night vision equipment.  Yesterday (August 29) a ranger actually told me there were guys dealing coke in one of the other parks but he had a directive to patrol Reed Park and enforce their bullshit no tolerance for bikes in the park policy.  Shit's really hosed here.  A kid told me around 5 PM is the best time to ride here.

CHANDLER---Ever since my $500 fine from these cocksuckers, they've been serious assholes about bikes.  Andy Leland even got stopped by cops and officially kicked out of the whole park (picnic areas and all) for like 2 weeks or some shit, and all because he drove into the parking lot with his bike in the back of his truck and they thought he was going to ride.  He actually wasn't even planning on riding.  Watch out for a raging bitch that works in the building by the park.  Just watch your ass around there in general.  School day mornings are the best time to ride.  Much fewer kids.

SCOTTSDALE---School day mornings are pimpin' here, too.  The security here has gotten way lax since it first opened, and you can pretty much ride here any time of day because staff is rarely around.  At least you've got that big ass chunk of concrete under the bridge to ride if you can't ride the park.  If cops show, haul your balls down the greenbelt.

PARADISE VALLEY---Too many maintenance workers with power trips that will call the park rangers.  But if you take your board with you, you can switch back and forth and stay a lot more low-key.  I know a gangsta that does this and it works very well for him.  I've tried it, too, and  the skaters are a lot more receptive to me riding a bike in there if I skate also.  It seems that at 3PM the asshole maintenance supervisor goes home, so the maintenance guys left over are less likely to care.  A cop actually told us during the PV stop on the Wild, Wild MB Skatepark Tour that he didn't care if bikes were in there, as long as no skaters were pissed about it.

ENCANTO---The first Valley skatepark built is also the easiest to get away with riding.  I think the cops are too busy there doing real police work that they don't bother with insignificant bullshit like bikes riding in a skatepark.  Daytime is the best, and of course when school in session.  The last time I was there, the cops came to the park because there was some kind of argument/scuffle between some skaters.  There were about 15 riders in the park at the time and we all emptied out in a hurry.  The cops didn't even care about us, they just dealt with the scuffle and took off a few minutes later.  I was back riding in no time.

GLENDALE---A bunch of assholes have been riding this park while the concrete hasn't even dried.  The park is not even finished yet.  A lot of concrete had to be re-poured, delaying the opening, and giving bikes a horrible reputation with the city of Glendale, who was really positive about building a bike park when we first approached them.  That was before this shit happened.  Now every time Rex calls them to try to get them to reserve land for a bike park, all they do is bitch about the damage to the park.  Don't be a dumbshit and ride here before it's open.  That will screw a lot of shit up for us in a hurry.  Ride one of these other parks and follow my advice.

If anyone knows any more info about the situations at any of these parks, e-mail me at beardedlady@psychicflyingmonkey.com  and I'll update the BUST-O-METER.

AUGUST 23rd, 2002

Check out the pampin' section clip in !!VIDEO!! and the Celestial contest musings in the veritable cornucopia.  I'm going to bed so's I can wake up early to ride Scottsdale skatepark.

AUGUST 7th, 2002

It turns out I got holt' of some misinformation aboot this Celestial contest coming up.  I went back to my previous posting and corrected all the errors.  Believe that.   Oh, and the musical asthetics will be provided by a certain DJ RHYNO at this contest, who is none other than my brother.  Put on your Adidas and LL hats cause he's down with the old skool hip-hop styles, and he'll turn this mother out.  Peace.

JULY 28th, 2002

The Celestial Heatwave Contest  has been scheduled for Saturday, August 17th at Celestial Skatepark in Tucson, Arizona.  This is NOT to be confusious with the annual Domination Contest, which will go off in October.   Amateur practice will go from 9 AM to 10 AM, with qualifiers at 11 AM, and finals at 1 PM.  Pro practice will go from 10 to 11 PM, with qualifiers at 12 PM, and finals at 1:30 PM.  The entry fees will be $15 for amateurs, $30 for pros, and $4 for spectators.  Prizes for ams are product, prizes for pros are cash. Giveaways, prizes, and contest sponsorship will be provided by Dirt Bros., FBI, Mosh, ATI, BMX Superheroes (Dave White's show company), and Mutiny.  With any luck, Ross will come up with a better mode of musical dispersion this go-around, as the DJs that played last year sucked on bags full of monkey nuts.  Thankfully Vic Murphy saved the day at last year's pro finals when he put on a CD loaded with old school Metallica, making the finals seem quite akin to the first Dirt Bros. video, only without the low resolution.  That is all.

JULY 26th, 2002

Alright, I'm FINALLY back up in this bitch.  The site was down for a few days no thanks to the MOUTHBREATHERS over at my domain name provider, Network Solutions, also known as Verisign.  Make sure not to ever make the mistake of doing ANY sort of business with these twits.  I'll be transferring my business to another domain name registrar quick, fast, and in a hurry;  the only reason I haven't yet is because you can only transfer when the site is up and running.  REMEMBER---Network Solutions (Verisign)=BAD,  Invisible Psychic Flying Monkeys and Bearded Ladies=GOOD.

JULY 17th, 2002

MB sections have been detected on board.  Peep 'em.  'Den pimp 'em like the ho's dey is.

JULY 13th, 2002

I have been having some computer trouble lately, so "the putting on the website of the video clips" has been delayed.  I'll get clips from both MB sections on soon enough.  I did, however, manage to update the "Help Us Get Bikes in Skateparks" section, as well as change the look and feel of the  "What is the Carnie and Trailer Trash Show?" section.  I also added real comments on the video from major magazines.  Check it.

My wound is healed up and I'm riding again.  MB Bret and I had a good ole' time at T-land on Thursday.  We talked about instituting "MB Thursdays" again at Thrasherland.  If any of you fools want in on this shit, say so on the dicsuccin' board.  It's about time the MB Dojo starts holding training sessions for the respected samurai, designed to aid in the implementation of our total world domination. First Thrasherland, then the strip mine next to it, then the dump on the other side of it, then the universe.  That's the plan.  Shhh, don't tell anyone.

JUNE 30th, 2002

Well, I just discovered that none of the four new clips I put in the video section have been working, and neither has the Bean's wreck clip in The Veritable Cornucopia section.  Someone had mentioned in the dicsuccin' board that the video on the website wasn't working, but since they didn't specify, I didn't know how to find which clips weren't showing.  Help me out here folks.  If something isn't working, e-mail me through the site and tell me exactly what's going on.  I'll figure out how to get it up and running. 

Speaking of figuring shit out, I just figured out a way to stick a brake lever six inches inside my right breast.  Thankfully it didn't break through my chest wall and collapse my lung.  It left a two inch gash right above my nipple,  and the doctor gave me two stitches and left a latex tube hanging out of it.  I might be putting some pics and video of it on here.  There's still blood on my brake lever.

I just got my new camera, a Canon GL-1.  Good timing, too, because in a couple weeks Jose will be flipping his motorcycle into an undisclosed lake to prepare for flipping it on dry land for the first time in ten years.

                                                JUNE 20th, 2002

I just added a  well-deserved Brett Crowther section, which includes four pics with captions to delight and amuse you.  Even you flatland-hating stool pushers might get a chortle or two out of them, so mosey on over and enjoy the hell outta them sum' bitches!!!                        Ya cocksuckers!

                                                JUNE 16th, 2002

 I just added 2 more video clips to the video section, one from Jim Burgess and the other from John Parker.  I'll be adding 2 clips from "The Carnie and Trailer Trash Show" each week.

In MB news, the MB famlee reeyoonyun left T-land looking like the natural gorilla habitat at the Phoenix Zoo, what with the enormous piles of stanky shit that had been thrown around.  Wayne is anxious for us to come back.  And why shouldn't he be?  He said our shit made the place smell better.

Still no word on when East Valley Skatepark will open, but The Skilled Mormon Guerilla Force has confirmed that the investors have vowed to open it eventually, whatever it takes.  The whole place is finished on the inside, except for the below-ground concrete pool they want to put in the corner.

                                                JUNE 6th, 2002

       I just added 2 video clips to the video section, from the Intro and 1st river sections.  I'm going riding.

JUNE 1st, 2002

IN AN ASTOUNDING TURN OF EVENTS, MB FAMLEE REEYOONYUN  IS PLANNED FOR NEXT SUNDAY, JUNE 9TH AT, (where else)?  THRASHERLAND!!!  Sure to show up are superstar OGMB's Josh Small, Bret Smith, and Charlie Bristol.  Also making a special guest appearance will be 2nd generation MB Jason Ryan.  All will be riding with the exception of Charlie.  It has been reported to me by the Skilled Mormon Guerilla Force that Charlie's vagina is experiencing excruciating pain, even beyond measure.

In other news, I just procured the new Vegas 3.0 so the first new 2 or three video clips will be premiering in the VIDEO section in a few days.

The discussion board looks like the Phoenix Zoo monkey house lately, as there is a constant rain of shit flung on a regular basis.  If you haven't posted on there yet, don't be a wuss; git the heyall on there and talk you sum shit!!!
 

MAY 19th, 2002

Check out the article the AZ Republic wrote about bikes being banned from the Tempe Public Skatepark.  I reprinted it under the Help Us Get Bikes in Skateparks button on the home page.  Also, I added 3 more pics (complete with captions) to my section (Jason Ryan).  Very soon I will start putting more video clips on.  My goal is to have a 17-20 sec. clip from all 24 sections in The Carnie and Trailer Trash Show.  About East Valley, I talked to Dave Taylor, one of the few people still working there, and he said it probably won't open for at least another 4 weeks. 

MAY 13th, 2002

Sadly, the East Valley Skatepark did not re-open as scheduled on May 11th.  According to an extra special insider report obtained by The Skilled Mormon Guerilla Force, the re-opening is pushed back to June 1st.  I'll keep your stanky arses updated.                                                                                             Okay, so now we're starting to see some good shit-talk go down on the dic-succin' board.   But we need more playas, yo!  Alls as is on there now is MB Charlie, MB Brett, Seth and some random asshole named old school.  I would encourage all of you to hop on that shit and do some damage.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to outwit those nitwits.  Let's look ahead to the future and make this the shittalkingest site on the wwweb!!!

MAY 7th, 2002

I just added five (5) pics of myself (Jason Ryan).  I also put both sides of the video cover on the home page, which can be enlarged for easy reading.  Jose and I did a show in Tucson with Chris Miracle and the other Tucson locals for Full Cycle at KMFA day on Saturday.  Much fun and titty sightings were had by all.  Yup, I took the video camera and got plenty of footage.  A bunch of bands played, but the only one I cared about was Social Distortion and they tore the place apart.  Many thanks to Chris and Full Cycle.  You can't beat getting in free to the show, riding all day, getting awesome footage and seeing Social D.

APRIL 25th, 2002

Let me just start out by saying that I just added six(6) more pics of Jason Davies and ten(10) more pics of Danny Williams.  I also put up a button telling what local shops the vid can be purchased at.  And I've got a link to Impact Video's website, where you can  buy The Carnie and Trailer Trash Show online.  Everybody needs to learn how to talk more shit on the dicsuccin board, so let me be teachin' yo stanky ass.  I know you just got back from a healthy pud-pounding session with your left hand, triggered by all the BMX gossip you've been tossing around with your online butt buddies for two hours. 

                               Shameful!

But you can redeem yourself by picking a verbal fight with someone on the discussion board who seems like a down-home, bona-fide asshole.

LET'S GIT IT ON!!!

APRIL 18th, 2002

I've got a little more info on Mark Wright's Super Ramp party.  If you want to ride or skate, you'll need to sign a waiver.  If you're under 18, you'll need to get a waiver beforehand and get it signed by a parent or guardian and get it notarized.  Celestial has waivers, so call 520-206-0234 to get 'holt a one.

Al and Geoff  have been holding front yard BBQ's for quite a few Sundays now at their house by the campus in Tempe.  They pull out the extreame ramp and everyone with a bike gets to have their way with it.  Helldonkey Pierre has been escaping the fiery furnace of The Chuck Box long enough each Sunday to slave over the much smaller grill at Al and Geoff's.  A couple weeks ago I heard Pierre wish aloud he could be cooking with charcoal at the BBQ instead of propane.  It's a damn good thing Hank Hill didn't hear him blaspheme 'God's Gas'.  Hank wouldn't have known whether to shit or throw up.  Call Al and Geoff at 480-968-3538 to get directions and time of BBQ on Sunday iff'n you want to mix your riding with your raw meat.

Allegedly, the MB BMX CREW actually plans to make some sort of a product, instead of remaining a bunch of washed-up has-been ex-riders that sit around whining how nobody is suppohtin' the MB.  OGMB Ben, OGMB Charlie and MB Karl are throwin' down with some cuznash to get some shirts and non-paper stickers made.  More updates on these events as they develop, but definitely don't,

Don't

                     hold

                             your

                       breath.

APRIL 13th, 2002

Will Bissell will be premiering his new BMX video, "Monkeys and Footballs" on Friday, April 19th at Celestial Skatepark.  Cost is the bargain price of $3.00 at the door.  Call Celestial at 520-206-0234 for details.

In other Tucson news, I just found out from Ross that there will be a huge jam at Mark Wright's Super Ramps on April 27th.  Mark has 5 halfpipes, 3 hips,1 spine and a 15' radius bowl with 6 different tranny heights.  Everything will have brand new masonite on it by the time of the jam, also.  It will be $3 to ride or skate, and there will be performances by Mankind, Gridlock, Deludes, and Blynd.  Bring your own beer and food to grill, as there will be 8 barbeque grills cookin' shit up there.  There is plenty of  land, so overnight camping is welcome.  I'm particularly stoked that this is going off, because the only time riders ever seem to get together in AZ is when there's a contest.  We really need more jams like this, organized street rides, etc. here to make the scene better.

APRIL 10th 2002

As many of you already know, the bike community suffered a low blow last night at the meeting of the Tempe Parks and Rec Board, and not because there were a bunch of midget prostitutes with D.S.L.'s there. Our proposition to the board to allow bikes into what will be the 11th or 12th skatepark to be built in the Phoenix area was defeated by a vote of 4 to 3. No thanks and a giant FUCK YOU goes out to Mike McIntyre, owner of Site Design Group (SDG) for convincing the board that it would cost an extra $275,000 to "bike proof " the park. He used wacky bombproofing designs and very over-inflated costs to screw us out of our first real chance to get in a public concrete park in the Valley. There are a couple things we can do, however, which you can check out by clicking the "bikes in skateparks" link on the homepage. 

Also I will be getting a bunch of new pics on here really soon, so keep checking.  I partially separated my shoulder by slamming to flatbottom on a 10' ramp the other day so I've got a lot more spare time to mess around with the site.

I've heard of a couple of problems with the video clips, ie.-not playing or not playing right.  If you could tell me specifically what's going wrong when you try to play video, I'll find out how to fix it.  For that matter, if you have trouble with any part of this site, e-mail me at beardedlady@psychicflyingmonkey.com and I'll fix it.

APRIL 6, 2002

NEWS FLASH!!! UPDATE ON THE Metriculating Biologist CREW!!!

I was wondering what exactly was going on with those cock wrangling MB butt pirates, so I sent out the Skilled Mormon Guerilla Force for a little recon work. What they reported back will shock you, horrify you, and make you piss on your flip-flops in the tub.

MB BRET (with only one T): Bret was married to his girlfriend of 3 weeks in a small ceremony in Alpine, AZ (a tiny town in the White Mts. of Arizona. They have four daughters, and all have red hair. Bret is actually their stepfather, so with an inkling of imagination, you can picture how he beats, I mean treats them. Bret did, in fact, give his bike to his slack-jawed yokel cousin Loo-Ann from Tucson, so she built a dirt skatepark in her backyard just across the street from Bruce's. Add it up: Bruce + Competing Neighbor Dirtpark = Not Happy Bruce.

MB CHARLIE (still thinks he's a G): Sir Charles grew himself some stanky ass dreads and became a dirty hippie. He works only at night because, in his own words, "...this capitalist society has cleanliness standards that I do not adhere to near as much as the cleanliness standards I hold myself to in the heart and mind, therefore they shun my presence and call the McMullet Brothers to catch and kill me, even at Circle K." His next goal is to make the cover of High Times magazine as "The Filthiest(outwardly) Hippie of All Time"

MB JOSH (mops up sperm and pee): Josh works as a prolific peddler of pornography and sexual accessories at a Phoenix retail location. Yes, they do have video booths, and yes, not only are Josh's ass-displaying ways condoned, they are now expected. Josh says he never thought the day would come he'd get tired of flashin' a little ass, and I'm sure it never will.

MB CASEY (spelled ending with a Y, not an E): Casey was last seen doing slave labor in a transmission shop (running for tools, slobbering, and pooping everywhere) after a 270 flyout wreck at the Wedge dirt jump went horribly wrong, leaving him with frontal lobe damage. Here at psychicflyingmonkey.com, we have high hopes this special guy can pull out of it with the modern marvel of technological breakthroughs in noggin science. Make any donations payable to: Retard Casey's Highly Experimental Lobotamy Kindness Fund.

Casey will personally thank you.

Then slobber on you.

And probably leave a little piece of stinky in the corner of your bedroom as a token of his sincere appreciation.

MB BEN (Finally!): Whereabouts fully unknown. Not even The Skilled Mormon Guerilla Force could find that greasy mop of unkempt hair. I did, however, receive a report a few months ago that a certain Mr. Burkett was having the absolute time of his life going out with a couple of mouthbreathing friends to the outskirts of Flagstaff to "spot" raccoons or possums or some furry little shits like that in the trees at night. You know, I hear that possums, and raccoons for that matter, are quite affectionate towards those human males with long, extraordinarily greasy, blonde hair. I can think of a half-dozen possums that live in Flag that would just loooove to get a date with Mr. Burkett. Could there be another White Mountain wedding in store for the MB? Ben's parents DO own a cabin in Alpine, after all.........

That's the latest, straight from the monkey's mouth. Oh yeah, don't even bother with that Revolution Skatepark (formerly known as SDG skatepark) bullshit. That place and its one-bike session-a-week for the bargain price of 14 bucks and your right nut can kiss my ass (before my strippers wash it)! Go to the East Valley Skatepark, my sons, and you will be blessed with heavenly visions of 44,000 indoor square feet containing a humongous bike-rider designed course, a smaller course (to keep the little guys out of the way), a vert ramp, a mini ramp (6' stepping up to 8' then to 9'), a 4' mini spine dubbya ramp, and very reasonable prices. Amen

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